This was my basic question.
Anything I want has to be what they wanted me to want. Anything I think has to be what they wanted me to think.
And is there anything other than what they want me to want?
What is it that I want?
What I want is not what they wanted me to want, or what they wanted me to think.
But it never occurred to me that what I want is no different from the wants they wanted me to want.
I had no way of resolving this dilemma or the problem. Nobody helped me.
Anyone who tried to help me, left me with this tremendous problem of finding out for myself, and by myself, what is it that I want?
But it never occurred to me that this want is no different from any other want, or the wants they wanted me to want. I had no way of finding the answer for myself, and nobody helped me.
So, even when I rejected all the external authority of everybody, still this haunted me.
What is it that I want? I throw this question to everyone who comes to see me:
‘What is it that you want? What do you want?’ and
nobody comes out with a clear demand,
‘This is what I want’.
Something hit me like a lightening, or the shaft of a lightening, and that finished the whole thing for me.
What I am left with is something very difficult to put across, or even give expression to.
But whatever I want to say, can be expressed very easily and I don’t need a rich vocabulary.
Three to four hundred words are enough to put across what I am trying to convey.
ps/smoh
