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Thursday, January 28, 2016

Consciousness paths are no game....day 31

"When we have been in a state of overcoming for much of our lives, it can be difficult to surrender to the fact that there is no longer anything to overcome. 
Wilful overcoming and goal become an entrenched way of being, one that is associated with our very survival and it can be difficult to slow down and realize that we made it out. 
That we are no longer at risk. 
That we created a healthier, safer reality. 
This is as true for people who overcame poverty as it is those who made it out of unsafe home environments. Many of us and I am one of them have great difficulty recognizing and integrating the fact that we are no longer back there. 
Our minds know we got out, but our animal bodies are still carrying the same anxieties that fuelled our overcoming. 
In my own experience, the key to the shift in awareness is developing our capacity for surrender to our bodies. 
Only when we can drop down below our wilful warrior, only when we can slow down and truly FEEL the change, will we be able to integrate the fact that we are no longer back there. 
For us to know the war is over, we have to allow ourselves to breathe deeply into the beautiful world that we have created with our own efforts. 
We have to raise the white flag in our hearts. 
This is no easy feat surrendering brings up the old anxieties at first- but if we stay with it, it will become a natural way of being. 
And the wars of overcoming, slowly a thing of the past..."

love light and peace

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

When does the pain actually stop though? Does it ever or do you simply learn to accept it?

In my experience with pain, it transmutes and evolves... if we can brave the pain and is present with it then it will show us new depths of ourselves and of life. It will offer gifts. 
It takes courage to walk through it and there's no time-line. It takes a lot of trust. It may or may never go away fully but if you can allow, it will become part of the tapestry of who you. 
From experience, the intense pain does pass.

"This too shall pass." is a mantra that can be helpful.

The journey form fear to freedom has been messy and chaotic as hell for me. The doubt was really about not resisting reality. 
And as we know....the pain is always in the resistance. 
So go ahead, get messy. Wade a round in the muck of your life. There is a treasure buried deep in that quicksand....
Where there is courage to open to the possibility we see a wondrous opportunity to deepen in karmic stature. 
It took such courage to brave it all; this is not to say that we don’t grieve loss, but to remind us of the opportunity that lives at the heart of every farewell. 
A little scar tissue can go a long way on the path to presence.
Just remember the love we had. Love longs to gently pour its healing balm through the cracked crevices of our shadow to the fertile soil within, just as the sunlight quietly streaming through the curtain of the darkened cell. Love changes us. 
There is no escape from its longing. 
It just does.

There is no easy way to be found "out there" to get us through life. We have each been created with the packaging of our own unique being, instructions and necessary gifts/tools for the direction of life included within. 
The challenge is to each our own package to discover the wonder within. And there it begins, there, deep within, we find the truth has been there all along. 
But we are not alone to do this work. We share the contents of our package with the packages of others, and we discover we have much in common as well as much to learn from each other as well as from the beauty of all that has been created around us. 

Love is the Great Packager that creates us and bonds us together on the journey. But, the journey begins and ends within, through the unwrapping of our own unique being in the daily mundane of life.

Love light and peace

Monday, January 25, 2016

Speak to one another more often in the languages of music and kindness

\) (>
/ \ Blood is thicker than water, we hear this all the time. But it’s also more likely to clot and destroy. I am definitely from a family of clot and destroy. The pangs run deep right now.
It's why I had to start using a tourniquet.

Both sides of my family have great stories. I grew up with people who experienced exciting lives, shared their histories and passions, told stories that grew and grew and I did too.
Yes, I still do.
We all have stories to tell and want to tell. The problem is finding someone to WANT to listen and in a lot of cases also learn.
Family are the ones you were born to. There's another way I was born to: I am not an inferior life form!
Family are those that reflect where you are at on your journey. I believe that we bond together on the basis of shared resonance.
It has nothing to do with blood.

Two different ideas of family, two different worlds of possibility; 
Survive, or thrive.
Cling together for dear life, or invite each other to truly LIVE...

Sometimes, I think we have forgotten who we are. Let there be light, proof of love and reason, wed with goodwill, the finest of human sentiments.

If only we in this era could be worthy of the presence and wisdom of another.

Someday, all shall be well probably not in my life time. 
That's why I stopped buying green bananas.

love light and peace

Sunday, January 17, 2016

A big mouth and a sharp tongue????

I was seemingly born with a fire in my belly and a sharp tongue. My mind stays sharp under pressure maybe it even gets a touch sharper and I’m notorious for saying what I mean.  
Just ask my family and I think they cannot make up their mind if they hate me or my mouth and sharp tongue. These qualities made me a pretty righteous babe my entire young adulthood. I know I have strong opinions, lots of critical thinking, and a heaping portion of scepticism. 

Here’s what I believed:
There is a right and a wrong, good and bad.
There is a rational explanation for everything.
Time is of the essence. So hurry to get things done, you are under control.
“I’ll do it my way, thanks” attitude. 

I felt alone and I was alone. Is it wrong to want to live a life that you choose, not chosen for you? I am being punished for running away. 

I saw the world in black and white, are you on my team? 
Do you get it? I navigated every experience with distress and derision.
This is how I began to question what I was taught. We have told ourselves, and been deeply conditioned by a story, Story of Separation. 
In this Story we harbor the collective pain that this separation and its myriad consequences and outgrowths, creates. This pain has grown to a point that we all sense we know that the promises of heaven and hell. Some of us are clinging more tightly to the fantasy of order and safety and stimulate us to engage when we don’t want to.

Everything is everything: 
We must move into a different story. Different, with different purposes and gifts, but each necessary. Integration is the mandate. 
Stop the turf war, the labelling, and the blaming, the us vs. them, good vs. bad. It must stop because this thinking, this energetic orientation only maintains the problem as it exists.

You have to begin to understand that we were being told a story by the dominant paradigm. It was a controlled narrative that served an agenda, all that I had is hoped to believe in.
Somehow further news of catastrophe at the hands of industry would only validate my beliefs and intuition that everything was wrong.

There were times the Truth felt so oppressive I wanted to be dead. I wanted not to have brought children into this corrupt, twisted world where everyone is self-sedated and complicit in evils beyond all imaging.
I began writing about my plight, the plight of the awakened, and now I understand that I was looking for my tribe. I had to leave in order to grow and have a life, a life that I want for myself. I want to live my life the way I want it, so I packed my bag and left.

I took down my sword for a moment and let the blood rush back into my arm.
Somehow, feeling seen and understood in my pain, helped to ease my rage. I was able to think more clearly, fearless and ready.
Layers upon layers upon layers...it peels, like an onion.

I’ve never cared about dying. For whatever reason, this has never been a compelling threat to me. I didn’t come in with the usual checks and balances that keep people in orderly control. I knew that I would willingly run naked out on the battlefield, but I also knew that I had to be strategic. Not impulsive. Nonetheless, an aggressive tactic was the only one that appealed to me. 
So I left.
Once I arrived in NZ I starts working towards the light every day. I wished for only one thing – the intuition and internal guidance I needed to know what to do and when to do it. I sought support from none other the higher power I belief there is. My egg continued to crack and crack and crack as I expanded to encompass truths that didn’t fit neatly into my worldview.

Then funny things began to happen. Coincidences, synchronicities, and signs. 
I began to feel that I was part of something bigger. Something unfolding. It was a liberating and exhilarating sensation. 
I began to be exposed to new kinds of knowing. 
I began to understand with something other than my mind. 
These things that I learned felt more like a remembering, than learning.

Then I got caught again, this time, in the “spiritual ego”. I began to feel frustrated with everyone in the activist realm who wasn’t “doing the work” of self-betterment. I felt superior. I was trying harder. Working on myself in every way possible. I lost patience. Again.
I had to ask myself – do I just want to be right and win or do I want to change the world and the experience of life on this planet?
What now....
While there is certainly no manual, no set of instructions, and no should and should not...but there is points of guidance.
Fight for not against – while this is a transition,
I plan to uphold, celebrate, and embrace the beauty of a life lived in the spirit of connection and purpose.
I care, deeply, about all of the issues that I have cared about before. It’s just that I have grown the power of my intuition, my softness, and my divine femininity.
My suffering is witnessed by my higher consciousness and it is integrated, not resisted. I live without the stress I used to call a companion.
And I’m making space for things I never had time for including being quiet and still.

Be the change you want to see in the world, right? 
As you are waking up to the Truth, simply work to be more you. By living your truth, you hold space for others to live theirs. 
This butterfly effect is referred to as “morphic resonance” and describes the effect of your way of being on those around you and the world at large. 
Your energy affects those around you as evidenced by own personal electromagnetic fields. Your decisions matter.

You don’t need to be right.

What comes with the agenda of holding space is a relinquishing of the need to be right. I don’t need to be right anymore. 
I simply don’t care whether others agree, judge, or even rage against my perspectives. I understand that everyone’s journey is different, and that their behaviour is a reflection of their lived experience and their relationship to themselves. 
Being right doesn’t do anything for me other than enforce a divisive narrative. In fact, paying mindful attention to the strong defensive reactions that arise in us helps us to know when a wound is being exposed. 
Awareness is sometimes the best healer.
Now I understand that logic and reason is the tools that we need. They don’t create beliefs. I won’t convince anyone who is clinging to the Story of Separation. You have to sit quietly with yourself and feel for your truth. 
Choose what Story will be yours.

Yes I don't dress, or think and act like you....am I to be hate for that?

I am BAFFLED how many individuals today including youth defend ancient traditional man-made laws and rules which oppress their own innate freedom and human rights of free-will.
Indeed, this unconscious defence is a part of the hypnosis too. Feeling obliged to remain attached to everything that was instilled in childhood via fear and loss of security

Thorough cultural programming, if our loyalty was weak, people would follow every new idea and that would be chaos too. 
I think the human race is just going to take another few dozen generations to wise up.
This is ever a challenge with the children, teens, adults and families. This too, a challenge I faced when growing up, feeling often that what was demanded served no purpose other than keeping me in 'control.' 

My questioning the 'why' was not always received favourably. Yet, I stepped beyond this oppression and now I own my liberation.
People are more concerned about what "God" means for them and their lives, rather than what it means to know "God."
I do not believe that many, or any, of the armies and philosophers in history who fought for or against "God" or gods, truly cared about the meaning of a concept.

They cared about how a system, based on a "god" could ensure their wealth, and dominance over other humans, and the planet as a whole.

The product of this process is the rituals we force ourselves into today. On the other side of the coin, if a certain rule, practice, or way of life makes another person's spiritual development better, I have no reason to ask that they give it up.

Those who question the norm are often labelled as the troublemakers since we challenge the status quo which was/ is designed to control the masses, which does not respect individuality.
The whole purpose of these rules and practices is supposedly to enhance one's connection with the Divine. If a ritual or practice does not accomplish that, it should be left out and practiced only by those whom it helps.

Majority following ancestral rituals do so merely out of traditional obligation, with very little understanding of their Spiritual purpose.

If people understood that its more about a Feeling and Connection, rather than a mechanical process, they could see that any rule/ritual that Feels right is right for them, and if not, then leave it be. 
There is an infinite spiritual freedom that accompanies the idea of God that people do not realize.

 People can believe in any way they want, such as pantheism, like Albert Einstein, or deism like Isaac Newton, or anything else, because it is about a Feeling. 
When it comes to this idea, there is no restriction in how you interpret it, and so there should be no restrictions in how you incorporate it into your life.

Sadly some people will not give up on the things that they can use to control or suppress others. You cannot get closer to God by trampling on others. You shouldn't look for an advantage over others but to help lift up those that is disadvantaged.

Let everyone regulate their conducts . . . by the golden rule of doing to others as in similar circumstances we would have them do to us, and the path of duty will be clear before him.

Guided by TRUTH and God's loving care, Stand I free of longing and despair.

Love ends Fear. And those who Love others, can follow the Golden Rule easily, and benefit from the Golden Rule as well.

If we give up on an idea too quickly, we fear we might go too far all at once, so we historically are slow to take risks. 
Patience - how many times do we observe a failing before we try something else?
It takes the race generations and generations to learn things - the human race is right on track - evolutionarily speaking.
It seems sad to aware souls that the race should suffer for so long till we learn our lessons. But the human race is Barely a teenager.
All our wishes to end suffering will come true, given a thousand years, or more

Men are arrogant and the entitlements they feel are their ego.

Morality is biological driven in our species. Traits that we view as moral are deeply embedded in the human psyche. 
Honesty, fidelity, trustworthiness, kindness to others, and reciprocity are primeval characteristics that helped our ancestors survive. 
In a world of dangerous predators, early man could thrive only in cooperative groups. 

Good behaviour probably strengthened the tribal bonds that were essential to survival. What we now call morality is probably a suite of behaviours favoured by natural selection in an animal weak alone but strong in numbers. 

Love, art, language and technology are important but they are created by our big evolved brains. Just because we have rational explanations about our origins does not make them less wondrous.

I would contend that secular humanism provides a much better basis for morality than theism. Under secular humanism, we are accountable to our fellow human being. 

We're all in this together, and we only get one shot, so it's in our best interests to eliminate suffering and increase happiness wherever possible, for as many people as possible. 
Under a theistic system of morality, any, and I mean absolutely ANY action can be justified if you convince people it's a command from God.

love light and peace

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Day 20

Life will never be normal again. It will be different, but it will never be as it was.
How could it be? For the first few weeks, your friends will be wonderful. They’ll offer you lots of smiles and hugs.
They’ll offer to take you to dinner and they’ll listen as you talk about how bad the pain is.
You’ll hear a lot of “I’m here for you”, and “If there’s anything I can do” comments during this time.
After a couple of weeks,and months it will seem like people have forgotten that you lost this important part of your life.
They’ll stop asking how you are, and they might even look worried when you want to talk about your mum.
I am very lucky having a few good friends that fast over me regardless. These friends indeed are family I chose for myself.
You see, people who haven’t gone through this pain think there’s a period of grieving and that's it.
After a certain time, you should be ready to move on with your life and "get over it."
But you will never get over it.
I'd never tell anyone to 'look on the bright side' or 'get over it'. It's cruel and completely invalidating of someone's deep pain, grief, despair. One cannot heal trauma by denying or minimizing its existence.

The pain will lessen, and the moments of intense grief will be farther apart, but how can you ever get over losing your mother?

I am at a loss for adequate words to express my sadness. I am so blessed that I was able to spend some time with her but it wasn’t enough. 
Friends always mention closure at a time of loss. 
They say 
"At least you got to say goodbye and had some time with her recently". That "closure" is never something you experience with the loss of a loved one.

I have learned life-long lessons through her kindness and in her memory; I will walk through life with a bigger heart. 
I'm having such a hard time making sense of your passing. I am standing by your side in my prayers every night mum. 

love light and peace

Friday, January 15, 2016

COURAGE, I need courage. I'm facing everything...day 19

Courage is your willingness to not know.
To speak your truth. 
To walk your path.
To face ridicule and rejection.
To keep going, despite the voices in your head and the judgements of others.
And there are no guarantees you will make it.
Nobody can walk for you!
You walk in radical alone, naked in the face of life, no protection, no crutches, no external authority.
Standing alone, blasted and burned with grief
empty as the sky
and the only way out is through
courage to share, and share it so well
One precious moment at a time, as granted...
No ideology to save me.
No promises anymore.
Only the beating of the heart, and the air in the lungs, and the thrill and terror of being utterly free, and numb.
And a knowing from deep within.
And the call of my ancestors.
And the the ground holding me.
Walking courageously my path, in radical alone, to speak my truth.
The sun nourishing me.
Warm tears running down my cheeks.
With the fragrance of love everywhere, can embrace the world one more day
And this gorgeous vulnerability
which makes me totally unbreakable.

"Even if you let go of the path you can't avoid, this will come back till you go through it"" mum said; 
"having a hard time just wait, having a good time just wait.
The comfort zone in life doesn't last forever. 
Change will come sooner or later. The later is approaching."

Courage is doing and standing, not giving up, believing in one’s self when nobody else does, and realizing that to stand alone and still believing in self is courage. 
It takes courage to not be a fool.

One of the greatest pleasures in life is doing what others say you cannot. That is the definition of faith. I trust that the universe is kind and loving therefore I am.

love light and peace

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Day 18

Mummy this sounds like something you have always told me again and again...when I am complaining about favouritism.
She herself was a very young bride, a teenager still in her teens>>>>>got married at 19 and become a mother at 20... I really hate that era.
Me at 19, I don't even know what I am, who I am, what I want....all I know is fun!

A few months ago I asked my mother to share some thoughts on the difference between guilt and regret. I don’t really have serious talk with her but somehow this time I felt that I need to. We all do have issues in life, being married at a very young age and became a mother at 20 just as life started to blossom and not knowing fully her role can be very hard.
One thing she said to me 
“I know I am not the mother that my children wants me to be, but I did my best. I am a child myself when I married your father.”

People use the word “guilt” more often than is appropriate. Improperly using the word “guilt” can result in unnecessary emotional distress and harsh self-criticism. 
The word “guilt” refers to something you did, something which you feel you shouldn’t have done because it was morally or legally wrong. 
But what if the experience you feel guilty about was not something you caused or had control over? Then you would feel regret, not guilt.
As an emotional response to a distressing experience, the sound of the word “guilt” is harsher and more of a self-reproach than the word “regret.” 
If you say, 
“I feel so guilty” you should make sure that the deed and circumstances surrounding it actually warrant your feeling of guilt rather than regret.

"Death ends a life but it doesn’t end a relationship that lives on in the mind of the survivor. How we grieves is extremely individual when our parent died. 
The mourning for a mother never really ends I think. A daughter’s feelings, thoughts, hopes, desires and attitudes are influenced by a mother. But this mother does not have to be the mother who existed in real life but who is a mother who exists in the daughter’s heart and mind. This is a mother who is carried within a daughter forever.

Every death of a loved one changes us.

There are special times in the developing daughter’s life in which the absence of a loving person is painful.
When we grieve we don’t know exactly what we need, and in the end, no one can provide the “fix” for us. Realizing that you don’t really know what you need all the time as you go through this is important, too.
Losing someone you love and care deeply about is very painful. 
I experience all kinds of difficult emotions and it may feel like the pain and sadness will never let up. I know these are normal reactions to a significant loss. 
But while there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time, can renew and permit me to move on.

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering one feel when someone we love is taken away. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. Trying to ignore our pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.
Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person"

love light anf peace

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The quiet moments you hold so dear
The memories you see so clear
Are God's clues to help you see..
Your heart is yours and allowed free to be
The dreams you have alone you are
Your secret thoughts to others unknown
Are clues again to set a goal
To follow to find a happy soul
The wishes you make upon a star
Are the truest clues of who you are..
They're made for the future ahead of you
Believe you must come true they'll be
For the love you'd find always wished
The dream that's always on your mind
The wish you made upon a star...

That's the person you really are

love light and peace

Friday, January 8, 2016


Grief doesn't run to my schedule, it has an agenda of its own and descends at a whim oblivious to my goings on. It comes in waves, some days I am good and some days I am just wasted. I do live in a slow motion pace inside a bubble from which I see my altered world.
I live my life, tried to have fun, I laugh and all seems fine and then bam. There it is again. It may last a minute, 10 minutes, an hour, a few days and then it's gone.
Just like that.
I can't explain why I kept ringing her number maybe I was hoping that she would answer it.
Grief is crazy-making with an element of surprise and the constant knowledge that no matter what you does that person is gone, never to return, never.
Grief sneaks up on you when you least expect it; the reflexive reach for the phone is a hard habit to break.
Both happy and sad events can make you miss loved ones. Every little thing reminds you of your loved one, the things you did and the things you had yet to do.

I bob around without a foundation to bring me back to the same balanced spot each time, a spot I just can't get right. 
I am at a place where I have never been before.

love light and peace

Thursday, January 7, 2016

What if there was no such thing as love just proof of love??

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next.
I really wanted to be freed from the endless suffering the brain can create when I keep going back to second guess my actions. Truly, this second-guessing is wasted energy. These thoughts are a non-thing, something the mind creates.  
Why you ask? 
Because we are human, the left-brain has a field day analysing.  Try not to analyse too much when you’re grieving it can put you into a downward spiral.

When we are grieving the present moment is our friend. I know this because it is what helps me now....

When you are beating your beautiful self up, please go into your heart. Sit down, put your hand on your heart, close your eyes, and breathe, just breathe, slow down the breath slows down the busy mind. 
Losing a loved one is so traumatic no matter the age, changing your life forever. 
Nurture yourself!   
As you sit please bring the most loving memory of the loved one into your heart. Continue to breathe in and out slowly.
When you think of a loving memory, bring in all the senses too. The smells, the FEELINGS, laughter, warm smiles, hugs. 
See the colours of the memory and even what you may have heard. 
Recall that life, and the gifts that came with it.  
You can change that downward spiral; get out of that loop in the brain. As with any new practice take your time with this. 
If the mind wanders gently bring it back with the breath even if you have to say the words I am breathing in… I am breathing out.  All this little mindful exercise does is slow down the brain, refocusing into the present moment.

I’ve been thinking about it because something occurred to me: 
When I was born, I became a daughter. 
When I was two, I became a sister. 
After that time, I became a friend and a student, many times over. 
As an adult I became a spouse, and then a mother, and then a teacher. 

I am still, and will always be, each of these. Once you assume these roles you have them for life, even when you are not actively playing them. 
When I am talking about critical thinking to my friends, I am still a mother. 
When I am comforting my son, I am still a daughter. 
When I am walking with a friend, I am still a spouse. 
As I am writing these words, I am still a sister.

To live means that I have to grieve, in whatever way grief shows up every day. Grieving is now part of being me. 
It does not define me any more than my other roles define me, but it is an essential ingredient in the recipe of who I have become. 
Without it, everything would fall in on itself, like a cake without leavening, and I would be diminished, neither fully myself nor fully alive.

There’s this idea floating around that to bring grieving to a close should allow love and life to flow as before, unburdened, but to me the opposite is true. 
Once it begins, grieving feeds into living like water from a new spring feeds a stream, then a river, then the ocean. 
It must flow freely to allow life to continue. To shut it off is to slow life to a trickle. In fact it seems that the more authentically we can experience grief’s ebb and flow as it comes up, the more we are able to welcome everything that life still offers us.

Grieving in some form will always be a part of me now, as I am always a mother, always a daughter, always a sister. 
So yes, I’m “still” grieving. 

That means I’m also breathing, laughing, crying, thinking, striving, and living. 
Just help me face what I feel rather than shut it off or turn away...

love light and peace

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Things may look like a negative coming at you , but just look deeper there's always a beyond. You will see the positive. The blessings in your life ! I believe!

Alphabets seem all alone so communicate might be akin to osmosis.
as fast as cells dividing, definitions forming
because any dance of words ultimately is a dance away from being, not even rumi, not even rumi
although beautiful.
that which seeks to define this is DEAD
use of being there seems asserted
Always seeming, can I know

Perhaps science and sanity....

Just own it and except authorship of the experience and the way you remember it: the narrative YOU made up about it. 
If you look -- HONESTLY -- you will see you are the dreamer of that dream. That being so, you are free to dream otherwise. 
This is lucidity.

It's just honesty: clarity. 
All interpretations of what "all the stuff that seems to have happened to some "me" are completely self assigned. 
It's all my doing/saying. 
I was my only enemy, EVER." 

Now, if it was/is my doing, 
I am free to decide to dream otherwise. 
You can't change what you don't own. 
"It's your entire fault, Sayang". 
I say 
"Grand, then it' mine to change". 

ONCE the changing starts, NOW there IS power BUT, to get to the power, there must be integrity: candour. 
No self deception about "How it all happened TO me". 
Ooo-lala, I see: 
It all happened FOR me. 
I am free. 
Bless the path that brings you here.

If you cannot get this far, a good start is to simply reserve judgement: Know you do not know what the ultimate significance of anything is.
Knowledge of one's ignorance is the start of wisdom. From it everything else just follows through reason.

love light and peace

Sunday, January 3, 2016

We are all special beings, as in unique, relative to all other species on Earth. Many human qualities elevate us above the rest of the animal kingdom.

Life in the wide world goes on much as it has these past ages, full of its own comings and goings, scarcely aware of the existence of being... for which I am very thankful. 
Well, what can I tell you? 
It needs to hurt in order to be worthy of the word. 
Otherwise it is just wanting.
I really miss her presence in this world, my world and the physical aspects of her body being here.
I hope I am able to find my way out of the grief and live on with purpose again. Never have I felt such emptiness. I feel like I am a shell with nothing inside. My stomach hurts so much. Or is it my heart? I feel sick.
Nothing can prepare you for what it’s like to lose your mum. I’ve had many friends throughout the years who have lost their own mothers. I felt sad for them and offered words of comfort. I had absolutely no idea though how excruciating it is to no longer have your mother with you.
If you haven’t lost your mother, you won’t fully understand the depths of grief one goes through. The pain is crippling, and it hits you at random moments. 
One minute you might be fine, and the next minute you are curled up in a ball on your bedroom floor in inconceivable pain. If you have lost your mother, then you’re probably sitting there nodding your head in agreement.
I ask your loving assistance dear god in helping me enter this year free of the past and future.
Let me step into a new me, filled with wonder, exploding with the excitement of a child, curious and trusting that the Universe is dancing with me as I discover more and more of my true nature and the exquisite beauty of this life of mine.
Let me shake like dead leaves from a tree thoughts that cloud my heart and fears that menace my freedom.
Allow me to laugh at the things I fear and breathe into the courage to be myself as I face the unknown.
Know I am grateful beyond measure and words and live to make my contribution matter, even if by only adding my open heart to a world in suffering.

The purity, innocence of the mind is our constant companion, as each moment becomes an opportunity of creative “being”.

Through this way of “being” - as pure Consciousness - we ourselves create a new world in which Love, beauty, compassion and kindness become a reality which positively influences the whole of humankind.

So be it this new day.

love light and peace

I really miss your presence in this world dear mummy and...thanks for everything.
Love forever