I often pointed out that the God I believed in was the same God any being believed.
It was simply a word for reality, a word that sometimes invoked in me a devotional feeling towards reality, existence. I still feel a great reverence.
But the reverence is for nothing in particular. Perhaps you could say that my concept of God now is more or less equal to nothing in particular.
And I tended to think the thing I longed for was particularly unique or sacred and therefore justified a terrible longing despite the suffering. But that isn't really my experience any longer.
The whole thing holds a lot less intensity now.
I'm a big fan of ordinary experience.
And I don't experience longing for that because it's already the case.
Actually I neither believe or the opposite.
My only honest response so far is I don’t know..
At the most basic level I think 'certainty' coincides with some level of stress or tension. So that sounds good to me.
One thing, though.
Nobody else being 'certain' ever causes me stress.
Only my own certainty ever does that.
That's the paradox of it.
I'm not sure I'd describe it as certainty or truth any more than I'd call it God.
I can't easily convey where my thinking goes instead. I see that my own thinking is directly responsible for how I view 'things'.
So although there is no controlling 'events' there is always the freedom to question thinking/assumptions/expectations *about* events.
And over time, I've learned that's where the suffering is born and not in events themselves. The net result is that the belief that I need control to be ok has dissolved.