Yesterday there was a bunch of talking and then a bunch of remembering to be silent and then a bunch of talking.
It was a trip.
Like, no one is in charge of anything. The mouth opens and the voice responds and then the thought comes,
"Dude, you are silent, remember?"
"Oh yeah! Why?"
"I don't know."
"Cool. I don't know either."
Nothing is personal.
The learning that is happening here this week is awesome.
First, I learned that I was totally trying to be heard by others. The whole impetus to stop talking came from this moment where I was blabbing away and this dude made a face my father used to make and I saw it clear as day:
"I am trying to be heard." It was so obvious, and looking back over the last two-three years, SOOO obvious. I have been a little kid hoping her daddy and mommy would hear her.
I saw that and I went quiet because I knew it was a futile desire.
Since then, and since speaking continues to happen automatically, what has become obvious is that there are at least two kinds of speaking:
1. "I want to be heard by others." Impossible and futile and endlessly painful to wait for this one. In the last few days, this has become so obvious. No one is coming and no one is listening.
2. There isn't really a good way to say this one: Speaking "happens", responding appropriately to the context of the moment. This is the "no one is in charge" sense.
With writing, there is something energetically different.
If no one reads this, it doesn't matter to me.
It is nice to get it out.
However, I notice I can't believe the "I want to be heard" nugget of conditioning that has been operating for the last 52 years.
This changing the way and when I speak, as far as I can tell.
Most personalities live out of opposing forces.
We bought into the notion we are not lovable and spend a lifetime wanting to be loved, trying to earn love and losing our lives to a lie we came to believe.
We bought into a thought that no one cares what we have to say and spend a life trying to be heard. We bought into a thought that we are not good or not good enough and a life of striving and achievement is lived.
Clarity comes when we see the original lie we chose to believe. Then we can be loving, achieve, or stand on our soap box, with freedom and joy.
Since freedom is our natural state, it will happen eventually.
ps/smoh
