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Friday, December 14, 2012

There was a spiritual lesson in all this but not the one I expected.

At the start of this journey I was living in the illusion of my own solidity. 

I was fooling myself. I too was a spiritual by passer. Turning to God as an escape from my unresolved pain body. 

Looking for spirituality out there rather then right here, in my real life, in my embodied experience. The truth is that I couldn't be 'here now' because I was still in the 'then' the power of 'then, and now I know why I was so attracted to ungrounded ideas of spirituality. 

After my childhood, I needed the kinds of spirituality that would keep me from feeling what lay below the surface. 

It felt easier to believe that I only had to ask the Universe for what I wanted and it would manifest, that I could find enlightenment by detaching from my feelings, and that by pretending that it was all good that it would make it all good, even if it wasn't good at all. 

But this just perpetuated my issues, I was confusing self avoidance with enlightenment. It was one thing to tap into mystical realms as I had, but quite another to sustain that deeper awareness. 

If anything this journey showed me that spirituality and the emotional life cannot be separated. My repressed emotions are not illusions to detach from, they are actually unresolved spiritual lessons, the Karmic field for my souls expansion. 

If I want to grow in my relationship to God, I have to drop right back down into my body, raise the feelings from their burial ground and do the real work to heal my heart. In its own way my journey had taught me what I most needed to learn. 

That spirituality actually lives inside of our bones and not in our efforts to escape them. HERE is where we heal, HERE is where we explore the mystery, HERE is where real spirituality begins. 

There is no where to go, just HERE.