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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

I like that I inquire when I want to and I believe my thoughts unflinchingly when I don't.

It just occurred to me how disagreeing with someone is or can be a rejection of their offering not only of their words but also of themselves. 
I like the idea of putting more attention on receiving from the person rather than on merely agreeing or disagreeing with them. 
I feel a bit sheepish like how did it take me so long to see this.

 Even in the desire of another to convince us in their view point there is a deeper impulse within them that cries out to us to recognize and know as an aspect of them.
Once we apprehend it a connection is established and the joy can flow between us.

Specifically, it's better to be in a "student role" in life so you are receiving, regardless of role or context. Good teachers listen and receive their student's point of view.
Asserting one's view just seems like compensation, some conditioning regarding putting one's point of view forward, and probably includes some narcissistic and existential validation.

Neither agreeing nor disagreeing but focusing on what people is saying, yes. Curiosity is needed and a wish to be present. 

This "like" here or not it a bit seductive sometimes, but it is an easy and quick way to say "ok I am with you supporting whatever but I don't have time now to listen or say more." Like patting an ego-structure.

Especially important is this when somebody says something that feels outrageous or upsetting.
 "I hear you and do probably not agree. Tell me more so I can understand."
I have practiced that and common respect was the result. The thinking types are more concerned with being right and the "truth," whereas feeling types are more concerned about maintaining relationship.
As a feeling type, I have learned to banter about ideas, to listen, to change my view when another is offered. So often I don't feel that happens. At this point, often anyway, intellectual discussions are just playing with symbols.

My experience of Improve is such a great training ground for being, simply, present with another. A basic "rule" of improve is "accept all offers."
As I progress in my ability onstage to truly listen to my partner, every moment, accepting all offers and attending to the constantly changing scene with spontaneous enthusiasm and authenticity,
I find ALL of my Life, on whichever "stage" flows beautifully and with less and less disagreement on my part - resulting in a quiet sort of joy and peace that I have no control over!

It has taken me 54 years to begin to grasp this. And a few lost relationships along the way. Working on directing my passion for people, not at people.

People often share an idea because they want to be deeply understood. To be heard and really understood. I try to hear and let things sink in. I have a curiosity for why and how people arrive at ideas that are so different from what I have today.

When I am looking to deepen rapport through agreement, I will sometimes add, "I understand. If I were you, I imagine I would feel exactly the same way."
That's always true, right?

This is no arbitrary rule that someone made up, it is simply what works. To deny what is offered brings the flow to a halt, to accept, allows it to move forward.
Each person in the scene is a director who says some form of, "Hey, let's go this way" and it usually shows up with some declaration of "This is," to which the only proper response is, "Yes, and..."