It may
help to look at what the words ‘illusion’ and ‘existence’ actually mean.
Illusion
mid-14c.,
“act of deception,” from O.Fr. illusion “a mocking,” from L. illusionem (nom.
illusio) “a mocking, jesting, irony,” from illudere “mock at,” lit. “to play
with,” from in- “at” + ludere “to play” (see ludicrous). Sense of “deceptive
appearance” developed in English late 14c.
‘Illusion’
simply means ‘a play’ or ‘deceptive appearance’ – not ‘non-existence’.
The
self, the ‘me’, is an illusion, not because it doesn’t exist, but because it
doesn’t exist in the way we imagine it to. You are not what you think you are.
The ‘me’ seems to be solid and separate – a
‘thing’ at the centre of life, a separate entity running my life – in the same
way that there seems to be a wave separate from the
ocean – but upon investigation, those assumptions crumble. The ‘illusion’ is
seen through – the wave is inseparable from the ocean.
Now, it
might also help if I were a little more clear about what the word ‘existence’
actually means. In the past I used to use this without realising what it
actually meant. It literally means ‘stand out’.
Does
the wave ‘stand out’ of the ocean? Yes, it appears to, AND no, it doesn’t stand
out in reality, because it IS the ocean. Depends on the angle from which you’re
answering the question. Both are true, both are not true. The wave appears to
exist, AND it does not exist – it does not exist SEPARATELY from the ocean. If
it has an existence, that existence is inseparable from the whole. (And instead
of the word ‘ocean’, you can use the words consciousness, being, aliveness,
source, void, whole, nothing…..)
If you
can’t handle paradox, time to get out of the non dual kitchen!
In the
same way, the ‘self’ (the story of me) only exists as a story. I never, ever found me outside of a
presently-arising story about me. Sayang is not there ‘lurking’
in the background – the story of Sayang appears and disappears as a story.
And where
does every story appear? Here, in this wide, clear open space – awareness,
consciousness, Being, Life, doesn’t really matter what words you use to point
here. They’re just words. Perhaps this is what some are referring to as the
space of ‘no self’. You could say the story of the self arises and falls in
this space pointed to by the words ‘no self’. Every story, every thought, every
sensation, every form, comes and goes in this open space.
Thoughts,
sensations, sounds, do not happen to a ‘self’ – there’s no evidence for a solid
central self whatsoever – they arise and fall here, as waves appear to do in an
ocean. In reality, even what we call ‘forms’ are inseparable from this formless
openness, this emptiness which is actually totally full. Then we cannot talk of
‘emptiness’ or ‘void’ at all! The Heart Sutra says ‘Form is Emptiness,
Emptiness is Form’. Language fails here, totally. It collapses.
And all
language simply comes and goes in this space. All concepts of self and no self
arise and fall away, leaving no trace. All concepts of duality and non duality,
choice and choicelessness, collapse. All we can do, in the end, is use words as
pointers. The rest is just arguing over our favourite pointers.
Years
ago, I was very certain that there was no self, and tried very hard to convince
people that there was no self. I couldn’t see back then that this constant need
to convince others, this sense that I was right and needed to wake others up,
WAS the very self I was denying! It’s absolutely ingenious, this whole game.
Seeing
the impossibility of putting this into words, the total inseparability of what
I am from all that appears, the total intimacy with all impermanent forms as
they arise and fall, brings much lightness and laughter. And we can still carry
on debating whether or not there is a self – there’s room for that too. There’s
room for everything here! So let’s play! The only question left is – what are
you defending? Even the certainty that there is no self, and the need to
constantly prove that to others, can simply be something else to hold onto. The
ego becomes a ‘spiritualised ego’ and pretends there is no ego. “I
know there is no self, and I am right, and you are wrong… and by the way,
there’s no you and no me, and it really pisses me off when you think otherwise.
But there’s nobody here being pissed off.” Ingenious. And totally
innocent too, by the way. And it’s all available to be seen for what it is.
Always.
It’s
not that I believe any of this – belief doesn’t hold up for very long. This
inseparability and intimacy is confirmed in every single moment, as everything
appears right here, not to Jeff, but to the wide open space that holds the
story of Jeff, just as the ocean ‘holds’ all of the waves that are, intimately,
itself….
And the
‘play’ goes on…
