Walking with Tracey and Sue this afternoon, I thought it was
going to be all downhill but the first two hours were actually uphill which
challenged my legs all over again. The view looking down upon the gorgeous
valley below made it easy to forget the incline.
Just before we left Tracey made me pulled a card from a deck.
I picked up many cities ago created by Paolo Coelho called The Way, each card
offering a thought or meditation for the day.
The card I pulled advised me not to fear the criticism of
others. As I walked I reflected on that
advice.
It struck me deeply just how much of my life I have detested criticism of others. I have felt its sting pierce my heart and shoot terror
into my bones.
I have stood burned by its welts from people who neither
understood let alone approved of my gifts of spirit and the work I do most of
my life, some from those very close to me.
I have sealed myself against it by working
harder, acted as though it didn't matter and trying to prove my detractors
wrong.
I have secretly dislike intensely and questioned if, in the end they,
those who criticized, were right after all.
And with that I criticized myself more harshly than the
rest.
I should do better.
I should have been more aware. More 'normal' and
without my second sight and deep intuition. I should have.....
On and on and on.
I am also acutely aware of how I've flung the arrows of
criticism right back at others with equal energy. I've done it out of
arrogance, righteous indignation, self defence, and at the core, fear.
Fear that I wouldn't, couldn't be loved and accepted for
Simply being me.
I'm so sorry for those words now. As I walk I can feel the
injury my own criticisms must have caused others. To judge another is simply
insane.
The great gift of this life is that I am no longer afraid if
the criticisms of others.
They will keep coming, that I know but they are never about
me. They never were.
As for criticizing myself...well I will work on that one. I
know I hold myself to standards and cannot allow those to ever slide.
And I won't.
But most of myself criticism is just an internalization of
the crazy words and beliefs of others who don't know me at all.
As for the blah blah that my mind likes to fling at me, I
can now ignore it. Of that I am now also clear I'm also feeling genuinely free
of my urge to criticize.
If it comes up I shoo it away like the black flies that
filled the path today.
I pray for us all.
We are all such beautiful beings
underneath it all and with nothing to criticize and everything to appreciate.
My vulnerability, releasing, realizing and truly being just like everyone; a vibrant beautiful soul sharing a human experience....
ps/smoh
